I want to settle down but my girlfriend wants to go back to uni?
I have been going out with my girlfriend for a few years now, we are both late 20's. When I first met her she traveled a lot with her job in the film industry then she gave that up to nurse her father when he was sick with cancer. All that time she was living at home mostly and I was living with my flatmate in rented accommodation. I have a good job and would like to buy my own place and settle down with my girlfriend however during the past few years while she has been nursing her father she only worked part time and did not make enough money to make a reasonable contribution to the mortgage and running costs of a house. I had hoped that when she finished looking after her dad (who recovered) she would return to work full time and start making enough money so that we could buy a house together. Instead she began talking about going back to school to pursue a career in art which is what she had origionally studied. I was not keen on the idea but was not able to tell her what to do and just hoped to myself that it would not come to anything as it's hard to get a place to study fine art at post graduate level and even harder to get funding. However she has managed to do both and has asked me to consider moving to london with her while she completes her studies (lasting 1.5 years). I don't like london very much and moving to london with her would mean renting a pokey one bedroom flat rather than buying. I never told her not to apply for the course so I cannot really say anything but I feel angry at her for not considering me in her plans. She is 29 and should grow up and get a job, house etc rather than messing around doing another degree. I find that I am not being very nice to her since I found out about her getting the place and the funding. I am being mean in small ways and belittling her a lot which I don't mean to do it just happens and its just because I am angry at her. However even if she goes to london alone to study I still want to be with her and conduct the relationship long distance till she finishes her studies and comes back home. What do you think, is she being selfish with her plans to study again?
Marriage & Divorce - 7 Answers
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1 :
Nope. She cares about her education. Not selfish by any means.
2 :
No it is you that is being selfish and mean. She has every right to go finish her education. You planned on her working and using her income to help you buy a house where you want to live. You are using her and now you are angry because your plan is not gonna work out. You do not love this woman if you can treat her like this because she is not using her money to help you do what you want with no consideration for what she wants. I hope she goes back to school and meets someone that will help her do what she wants to do and not plan to use her and then get angry when she does not lay down for it. Shame on you
3 :
Neither one of you are wrong. Both of you need to do what is right for you as individuals. You simply are in different phases of life. You want to settle down, buy a house, get married, and make babies. She wants to be a college student and pursue a career. The conflict of your different life phases is what is creating the conflict for you. There is nothing wrong with either one. I think you should stay where you are and "let" her go to London. Either it will work out or it will not for the two of you.
4 :
No shes not being selfish at all. You kinda being a jerk. You haven't really said much but expect her to read your mind. Sounds like your the one who needs to grow up. Her priorities are just fine.
5 :
I think you are being pretty selfish here! Your girlfriend must be very talented if she was able to get a spot and it sounds like this is something that has been a dream of hers for a long time. If you really love this girl you need to support her and her dreams! I think she is being grown up, you are the one that needs to grow up and start being supportive of her rather than being mean and belittling her! If you can't bring yourself to be happy for her than you need to let her go because things just are not going to work. And she deserves someone who is able to support her dreams! What is so bad about London anyway? Or do you just say that you hate London because you resent her for going there for school? We all have to make sacrifices for the ones we love! Is it really so bad to wait for another year and half to two years before settling down and buying a home together? And can you not, if you really love her, just marry her now? I got married after my sophomore year of college and continued to go to school and work part time while my husband worked full time and we were able to by a house and he was fully supportive and encouraging the whole time and even encourages me to go to grad school. I understand this is a big change for you but you have the same pants to get happy in! How would you feel if you had a lifelong dream you wanted to pursue and when on a slim chance you were given the opportunity your partner was not even happy for you or the least supportive? Wouldn’t it crush you?
6 :
You are at two different places in your lives right now . When she completes her art studies , then what ? Is that an end in itself or does she want to work in that area ? I would not be sure that she will want to "come home" . You need to think things through and decide whats most important to you. If you have kids that will cut into income and you should plan on only your income for a mortgage. She may be able to contribute to a deposit and if she does work , that money can either pay off house sooner, or furnish it, and add to your savings as a couple. good luck.
7 :
Not to sound too harsh, but no, I think you're the selfish one. Your girlfriend gave up a good career and put her life on hold so she could be there for her father. Now she wants to do something for herself, and all you can think about is how inconvenient it's going to be for you. She managed to do the near impossible and get funding for a fine arts degree and you can't even be a little excited for her. You say you love her and want to be with her, but only if it's on your terms. You need to be honest with her and let her know why you've been so short with her lately. I personally think you should move to be with her and support her. And while you're there, maybe the two of you should see a couple's specialist and work on your communication skills. It sounds to me like you could use a little help in that department.
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